Fine as Frog Hair

To use the vernacular

– from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang by Richard and Robert Sherman.

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Many ask “How are you?” Many answer “Fine.”

Why?

Several reasons:

They are fine – which is… fine.
They don’t know or want to think about how we feel!
They feel the question is perfunctory.

Assuming the inquiry “How are you?” is not perfunctory, here is a hierarchy of answers to the infernal question:

Bad – No need to explain bad - bad sounds bad. Inquirers just stare and find an escape route.

Not bad – confuses people. Not bad is also not good. But, it sounds OK.

Not good – Not good sounds worse than not bad. Not good sounds like a problem and raises the inquirers curiosity. Only say “Not good” if you are willing to have a conversation.

OK – Inquirers are Ok with OK – Ok means average or mediocre. Inquirers wander off. If you’re OK, they’re OK.

Fine – Fine is short for “I’m fine, leave me alone.” Inquirers do.

Peachy – Inquirers enjoy “Peachy” – they smile and repeat “Peachy!” They are happy and skip away.

Better than Most – challenges inquirers. They think you are arrogant and/or sarcastic. Expect to give an explanation (found at A Word to the Wise).

Living the Dream – Say “Living the Dream,” and inquirers will not believe you. Either because they believe you are being sarcastic and/or ironic. If you are in-fact, “Living the Dream,” it is best to tell them you are “OK.”

Phantasmagorical – Inquirers are impressed with Phantasmagiorical and light up upon hearing it. Many remember the movie Chitty Chitty Bang Bang:

It's uncategorical

A fuel burning oracle

A phantasmagorical machine

It's more than spectacular

To use the vernacular

It's wizard, it's smashing, it's keen

Use phantasmagorical when you feel whimsical!

Fine as Frog Hair - My father used this phrase to maximum effect.

Inquirer, perfunctorily: “How are you?”

My father, full of enthusiasm: “Fine as frog hair!”

Inquirer, confused: “I didn’t know frogs had hair?”